Reading over a couple of other blogs this morning, one of my most undesirable character traits surfaced. I began comparing my few and fledgling posts to what others have written and quickly decided mine were thin and lackluster. What I find most troubling about this is not so much the negative self-judgment, (although this becomes a problem when I continually rate whatever I create against professional examples) but that it makes motivation always tied to results and rank. In other words, if I can’t be near the top, or at least above the middle, why even participate? It also limits my perception of other people because at that instant of judgment I only see their performance and not the whole person.
I recently began a twice weekly cardio/weights exercise class. I tried something like this once before, about twenty years ago, in the form of dance aerobics. The class was once a week back then and I don’t remember sweating nearly as much as I do now. As far as comparisons to other participants go, I think I may be the most uncoordinated person in the class. When they go left, I go right. Instead of single-single-doubles, I do double-single-singles. But during the first class I realized that even though I was feeling the discomfort that comes with not being competent at something (in full view of anybody paying attention) I also realized that I like the feeling of excersising, working my muscles, even sweating profusely (masochistic tendencies here?) and I probably wouldn’t have that experience if it wasn’t for the class. I have to focus on the process, the experience of “doing” and not how my workout compares to anyone else’s. Concentrating on performance, at this stage, translates into big disappointment and probably quitting. Shifting focus and not holding on to the image of me stumbling against the flow of high-energy, buff Olivia Newton-Johnesque (think 1980’s Let’s Get Physical video) gym nymphs is the only way I will be able to continue the class. (reality check – the gym nymphs in the cardio/weights class are normal women, just like me, in various states of physical fitness, fat, thin, old, young. I know this but the image persists.)
So, I like the act of writing. It feels good, even when it is accompanied by the sting of pushing past a previous limit, perhaps especially when it means continuing beyond a level of comfort, a level perpetually within/beyond reach. This means there will always be better writers than me (only someone who understands the focus of ranking best to worst can appreciate the necessity of stating this).
Do other people’s ability and expertise affect my writing practice? My first answer is a resounding “No” but on second thought this is not entirely true. Not true at all, really, if I think about it honestly. The reason writing fascinates me is because I’m affected by reading good writing. I’m not sure that my main motivation for writing is a desire to have this same effect on others but I think it must figure in there somewhere. And the excersise thing…while it feels good to just sweat and workout, the times when I’m actually in sync with the rest of class, well, I become a gym nymph too, and that’s kind of intoxicating.
Again, I started writing with a pretty clear idea of what I was going to say and have ended up in a gray area, this time between the goals of process and result. Which one’s better, more useful? No easy answers.
