See me, hear me part II
January 17th, 2012 § 1 Comment
“We see the world not as it is, but as we are.” – The Talmud – maybe. I don’t like to quote from works I haven’t read but this one keeps showing up in things I have read, which helps me feel like I’m not just grabbing some famous line that is not also an idea I’ve thought on myself.
On Saturday I was parked on a street with a meter that I begrudgingly fed to its limit. The max time allowed wasn’t enough which meant I had to leave the workshop I was attending part way through to go plunk in more money. As I turned to go back to my meeting I heard a woman’s voice shouting to me. As she got closer, I could see she was old. She was using a walker and was about a half a foot shorter than me. Around her neck was a small plastic pouch which I assumed contained her identification and other such paperwork. In her hand was a bus schedule.
I pretty much knew what was coming. She wanted money. She tried to explain about “them telling me I could use my card in Royal Oak but the bus driver says no, it’s no good.” And she was stranded until somebody gave her fare. Could I please help her? And I said yes with more generosity than I am used to in myself.
She wanted to explain something to me, something about her son being killed near where we were. The streets aren’t safe these days. Had I seen the story on the news? He was playing basketball and all he had on him was $2. Beat him is what they did. Did I hear about those two boys that were killed? Not safe. Makes no sense. She would give me her name and address so I could get my money back.
I asked when her son was killed. I figured any son of hers would have to be at least forty years old and that I hadn’t heard her story correctly. This state of generosity had me a little off-kilter.
“Two days ago. Two days ago.” Her face scrunched up against tears. “And I came here on the bus. And now I have to go back and tell her. How am I going to tell her?” The story was no clearer. I hugged her. I don’t hug strangers. Or I didn’t used to.
That was it. I gave her the amount she said it would cost for the bus, about twice as much as I figured, and she left saying, “Bless you. Thank you. Thank you.” And I said “You’re welcome,” and went back to finish the workshop.
Later, as I drove home, I had mixed feelings about my encounter. It had felt right to give the woman the money but now a negative cloud was creeping in. And confusion.
Am I an easy mark? Can people tell I’m unable to say no?
For whatever reason, that lady needed the money.
How hard would it be for me to ask a total stranger for money?
Her suffering seemed real. Am I so easily deceived? A bus doesn’t cost that much.
Is she laughing at how gullible I am?
I had the money to give her. That is my blessing.
Why the hell is this such a big deal to me?
We see the world not as it is, but as we are. The negative cloud, the suspicion, was a statement about myself, not about the woman. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I love. Sometimes I do both.
donna, this bit sobered me, “We see the world not as it is, but as we are. The negative cloud, the suspicion, was a statement about myself, not about the woman.” but the ending, granted me both hope and balance, “Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I love. Sometimes I do both.” who is to say what her reality is? the real question, you asked, “For whatever reason, that lady needed the money.
How hard would it be for me to ask a total stranger for money?” but even now i wonder about that. i wonder about it in terms of myself. i question, why is it necessary for me to understand, for me to feel potentially what the other person might be feeling? why can’t i just answer when i have been asked? why all of the questions? ha! you have me feeling like you, probably because i have been you in many situations. i have to beat down the beast of self doubt, although it gets easier and easier.
these are things i’ve wondered about myself.
recently, being in a position of being judged, i reprimanded myself heavily for judging others before me and asked myself to stop looking for personal alignment in understanding and rather focus on acceptance. it is a work in progress.) but one of the startling side effects is that judgement (mostly) no longer affects me. other people’s judgement is not about me. (what do we fear in being fallible? we are all fallible!) and what is about us, essentially? what is about the woman? only her own perception. yours did not really matter. your help did, though.
xo
erin